| 27 February 2010
February 27, 2010—
Former St. Louis Cardinals home run slugger Mark McGwire today apologized for the fourth time this week, once again admitting he used steroids for nearly a decade while he chased baseball's coveted home run record. McGwire stated he not only disgraced his career, but that he “disgraced all of America, and a large portion of the known world” by his actions. McGwire said he plans to issue another apology late tomorrow, after completing batting cage hitting drills at the Cardinals’ spring training facility in Jupiter, Florida.
March 8, 2010—
New Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire apologized this afternoon at a brief press conference for the inability of Johnny Damon’s agent to close a deal with the New York Yankees. Damon eventually signed with the Detroit Tigers after discussions with the Yankees broke down. McGwire said he felt he “let Damon down, and all fans of America's game down” by not becoming more involved in the former Yankee outfielder’s contract negotiations. “I had a chance to do the right thing, and I dropped the ball once again”, admitted a somber McGwire.
March 19, 2010—
Mark McGwire, who broke Babe Ruth’s long standing season home run record with 70 homers in 1998, broke down in tears during an interview with a Washington Times reporter as he described the frustrations he felt at his inability to help pass effective national heath care legislation. “I know I’ve made mistakes, and I know my behavior was wrong,” the oversized slugger sobbed, “but I should be given credit for admitting my mistakes at least on this issue.”
March 27, 2010--
“I always knew this day would come”, were the words of former hitting star Mark McGwire as he addressed members of the national media at a hastily called press conference and grimly took responsibility for the massive recall of thousands of Toyota Motor Corporation automobiles for a series of safety and performance problems. “I was aware of these issues, and I knowingly violated the trust put in me by automotive fans around the world.” Former home run king Hank Aaron applauded McGwire in a statement issued from his compound in Kissimee, Florida, stating that McGwire should finally have a clear conscience after this most recent admission of guilt.
April 6, 2010—
As the 2010 Major League Baseball season began this week, former home run record holder Mark McGwire met with members of the St. Louis sports media and finally admitted he had become aware of Osama Bin Laden’s plans to attack America during the 1998 baseball season. McGwire tearfully begged forgiveness from the world, saying his focus on breaking the home run record, and the effects of the performance enhancing drugs he was taking at the time, clouded his judgment. “I should have warned the American people, I should have warned the world”, McGwire sobbed into a bank of microphones. “I ask for everyone to simply allow me to live my life in peace and for all of us to just move forward.”
Former All-Star and Major League Baseball executive Hank Aaron immediately sent out a statement forgiving the hulking McGwire and demanding to know when former San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds would also start issuing apologies to the American people. “We need a lot more of this in baseball,” said Aaron.
